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The Best Page in the Universe

This page is about me, a mathematics major and ex-telemarketer, and my overly masculine posturing to the contrary. PS: I'm a pirate.

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Everything I say is awesome.

Update (03-01-13): Sorry douchebags, I still haven't written anything new.
News (02-11-09): Holy fuck, I'm published.

Congratulations, you're brilliant.
(Updated: 02-28-13)

Four things that need to change in online porn distribution.
(Updated: 01-31-12)

(Updated: 08-11-11)

Your pets are not children and I hope you get an abortion.
(Updated: 12-22-10)

Yoshi's Story: The Creepypasta
(Updated: 12-18-10)

Campaign signs and the idiots who love them.
(Updated: 11-02-10)

My review of Scars of Mirrodin.
(Updated: 09-27-10)

Every new show on NBC sucks.
(Updated: 09-21-10)

Avril Lavigne: date rape is "complicated".
(Updated: 05-25-10)

Today, I saw a car accident.
(Updated: 03-14-10)

Why I will never join Team Coco.
(Updated: 01-17-10)

How to ensure you get shitty service at a supermarket deli.
(Updated: 12-09-09)

Who the fuck falls for this shit?
(Updated: 10-13-09)

Death to sports radio.
(Updated: 08-20-09)

Do the Senility Shuffle!
(Updated: 08-01-09)

How to play guitar like a complete fucking douchebag.
(Updated: 07-08-09)

The most concise review of Transformers 2 you'll ever read.
(Updated: 07-02-09)

All lesbians are liars.
(Updated: 06-29-09)

Take off that goddamn headset.
(Updated: 06-24-09)

Your dick shouldn't fit inside this.
(Updated: 03-24-09)

(Updated: 03-03-09)

Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
(Updated: 02-28-09)

Are you a douchebag? Take my test and find out!
(Updated: 02-04-09)

It's the thought that counts and you're an asshole.
(Updated: 12-19-08)

Your kids aren't cute, and I hope you die.
(Updated: 10-25-08)

Cheerios are the work of Satan.
(Updated: 09-24-08)

(Updated: 09-11-08)

How a store puts itself out of business.
(Updated: 09-09-08)

More stupid shit that girls put in their AIM profiles.
(Updated: 09-05-08)

Help prevent child rape.
(Updated: 07-06-08)

Yahoo's news portal is fucking gay.
(Updated: 04-16-08)

(Updated: 02-14-08)

New Year's Eve is fucking gay.
(Updated: 12-30-07)

Hey cheerleaders, you're not getting my fucking money.
(Updated: 12-04-07)

Coke vs. water: a Myspace bulletin.
(Updated: 09-29-07)

Everyone at Hillshire Farm is a fucking terrorist.
(Updated: 08-25-07)

Larry Bird's Johnson is dead.
(Updated: 07-12-07)

Iceland will be closed until April 22nd.
(Updated: 04-16-07)

An easy way to ruin internet forums.
(Updated: 03-23-07)

I make songs better.
(Updated: 03-06-07)

88 first person shooters that suck less than Halo 2.
(Updated: 01-11-07)

8 reasons why it's time to forgive Mel Gibson.
(Updated: 12-04-06)

Shame on you, White America.
(Updated: 11-19-06)

There was no JFK assassination you morons.
(Updated: 10-23-06)

(Updated: 09-11-06)

The following people should not ever be allowed out of their homes.
(Updated: 09-09-06)

Joe Cocker sucks.
(Updated: 08-07-06)

(Updated: 07-18-06)

Fuck you, I'll eat what I want.
(Updated: 06-24-06)

My plan to save America.
(Updated: 06-10-06)

Learn to fucking speak.
(Updated: 05-30-06)

Amazon.com sucks.
(Updated: 05-10-06)

You damn kids have it too easy.
(Updated: 04-25-06)

Five stupid places where girls get tattoos.
(Updated: 04-20-06)

Barney is dead.
(Updated: 04-02-06)

Serving sizes are bullshit.
(Updated: 03-27-06)

People with muscular dystrophy are pricks.
(Updated: 03-16-06)

Proof that God exists.
(Updated: 03-09-06)

Stupid shit that girls put in their AIM profiles.
(Updated: 03-03-06)

Who is a better person: George W. Bush or Jesus Christ? An objective analysis.
(Updated: 02-26-06)

Run out of ideas for contrived porn sites? Steal one of mine.
(Updated: 02-18-06)

Underage drinking? Try a gay bar.
(Updated: 02-06-06)

Oliver Reed is the greatest man who ever lived.
(Updated: 01-26-06)

More crappy dead people's art work.
(Updated: 01-07-06)

Suck my dick.
(Updated: 12-25-05)

The South should have won the Civil War.
(Updated: 12-08-05)

I am better than dead people.
(Updated: 11-11-05)

Vaginas are gay.
(Updated: 10-01-05)

Is your page good enough to bear the coveted

Do you rule enough?

Probably not, you worthless piece of shit. Fuck off.

Pirates Rule

Here are some pages that don't suck:

Special thanks to God for His eternal love:

Special thanks to Syd Lexia for hosting this site since 20XX and on:

My page from 2012 (It kicks ass)
My page from 2011 (It kicks ass)
My page from 2010 (It kicks ass)
My page from 2009 (It kicks ass)
My page from 2008 (It kicks ass)
My page from 2007 (It kicks ass)
My page from 2006 (It kicks ass)
My page from 2005 (It kicks ass)
The list that started it all (It kicks ass)

Some guy I've never fucking heard of.
You're the man now dog!
The saddest caveman in the world.
Church of Satan
Kurtis Stryker
Thilo Savage
Change your bullshit browser to Internet Explorer.

Fan Sites:


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