Barney The Dinosaur was found dead earlier today from what authorities say appears to be a self-inflicted shotgun blast to the head. He was somewhere between 65 and 70 million years old. The popular children's television personality did not leave a suicide note but it is believed that Barney, who was in the advanced stages of AIDS, simply could not bear to endure his rapidly degenerating condition. Barney first contracted the disease sometime in 1993, after a brief fling with an HIV-positive schoolteacher. The plucky purple dinosaur later apologized for the sexual indiscretion, saying he had done it "just so he could get good grades." After struggling with unrelenting AIDS for almost thirteen years, the beloved Tyrannosaurus has finally thrown in the towel.
Barney was born in the late Cretaceous period, but his career did not really take off until the early 1990s. As the titular character on the PBS show "Barney & Friends", Barney is often credited with breaking down racial barriers. Before his show debuted in 1992, most children in elementary school played quietly with children who had the same skin color as them. Soon after the debut of Barney's show, children were staying after school with multiethnic friends to sing songs, pretend deaf kids were normal, and do all sorts of other fruity shit. In October of 2004, Barney was given a lifetime achievement award by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force for "creating a show so incredibly gay that it has inevitably turned countless kids queer."
Barney is survived by his friends B.J. and Baby Bop. He is also survived by classic schoolyard rhymes such as the following:
Rest in peace, you purple bastard.
I hate you, you hate me
Let's go start a World War III
With a shotgun, BANG, Barney's on the floor
No more purple dinosaur
1,930,382 kids teamed up and killed Barney.
© 2006 by Haddox