I'm a man, dammit. I have a cock the size of Nebraska and when I get hungry, there's only one thing that satisfies my hunger and that's the dead flesh of cute defenseless animals. Up until last week, one of my favorite suppliers of delicious cooked animal parts was Hillshire Farm. Nobody raises a cow for slaughter like Hillshire Farm. By using a genius blend of overfeeding and forced lethargy, Hillshire Farm is able to grow cows that are so plump and delicious, you almost want to bite into them while they're still alive. However, I can no longer in good conscience support Hillshire Farm due to some of their business practices. You see, it turns out that Hillshire Farm is a tacit supporter of several Middle Eastern terrorist organizations, organizations that want to destroy the American, Canadian, English, and Australian ways of life. I realized this when I bought a package of Hillshire Farm beef kielbasa and saw that the expiration date on it was September 11th. Giving a product a September 11th expiration date is a totally fucking sleazy thing to do and no company with even a basic sense of patriotism would allow its products to have such a distasteful date on its packaging. I thought maybe it was mistake at first, so I sent a very polite letter to Hillshire Farm explaining their massive fuck-up:
Dear Mr. Hillshire Farm,
How are you today? Good, I hope. I wish that I could say the same. I recently purchased a 14 ounce package of your patented Hillshire Farm Beef Polska Kielbasa. Since 1934, you have been providing Americans like myself with quality meat. I always thought that you loved the red, white, and blue as much as I do, but I am now convinced that you do not. In fact, I am fairly certain you may be a terrorist. When I got my package of Hillshire Farm Beef Polska Kielbasa home, I notice something horrible: the expiration date on the package was September the 11th. Here, look for yourself:
How dare you? How dare you allow your product to expire on the same day that all those brave Americans expired? Have you no scruples? No decency? No common sense? I find your September 11th expiration date to be in very bad taste, so bad that I may never buy your vile al-Qaida-loving products again. I demand an apology, and I demand your assurances that no Hillshire Farm products will ever expire on September the 11th again. Please change it so they expire on September 10th instead.
A REAL American
This message was sent nine days ago. If the good people at Hillshire Farm were anything other than a bunch of terrorist-loving faggots, they would have replied by now and apologized to me and to America. But they didn't. As a result, I am calling for a boycott of Hillshire Farm products. We are in a war on terror, and if you don't agree 100% with everything America does, then you're America's enemy and you should die. By using a 9/11 expiration date, Hillshire Farm has clearly shown that they are against America. If that makes you as mad as it makes me, e-mail the good people at Hillshire Farm and let them know how you feel. On the contact form, select "Meats" as your product category, then select "Hillshire Farm" from the list of brand names. Together, we can teach these miserable fucking bastards an important lesson about what it means to truly be American.
1,703,899 people hate Osama bin Laden and his goddamn butt buddies at Hillshire Farm.
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© 2007 by Haddox