Stupid shit that girls put in their AIM profiles.

Completely retarded. If I had to pick two words to describe girls, that would be my answer. People often tell me I'm misogynistic. That may be true, but girls bring it upon themselves. If you want proof, you need look no further than their personal profiles on AOL Instant Messenger. The AIM profile is a rather vacuous form of individual expression to begin with, but girls have managed to make theirs even more wearisome. Seemingly unfulfilled by movie quotes and inside jokes, girls feel the need to line their AIM profiles with pseudo-intellectual slogans that they've convinced themselves are deeply profound. If you know any girls, you know exactly what I'm talking about. So over the last few days, I have scoured AIM in search of the most obnoxious quotes that girls like to use. You'll find them below, complete with their original punctuation. If these don't fill you with biblical rage, there is something seriously fucking wrong with you.

He handed her 12 roses. 11 real 1 fake. He said I'll love you until the last one dies...
Omigawd, that's so sweet... and trite... and pointless.

Put this in your profile if you know someone who is fighting, survived, or died of cancer
The ribbon irritates me for a few reasons. First of all, every goddamn person in the entire world knows someone who is fighting, survived, or died of cancer - so fucking what? It was nice of you to feign social awareness, but putting a shitty graphic in your AIM profile isn't going to cure cancer. Even if it did, the pink ribbon that people use with this quote is only for breast cancer. So if you know people who died of other types of cancer, this ribbon doesn't support them in any way. And if that weren't bad enough, most girls are too fucking stupid to actually find pink on the AIM color chart so they end up using fuchsia instead. But the thing that pisses me off the most is all of the unclever parodies that the pink ribbon has spawned:

Put this in your profile if you know someone who is fighting, has survived, or died from pirate attacks.
Put this in your profile to show that you care and support all the Mexicans out there selling oranges by the freeway
Put this in ur profile if u know a ho who needs to be slapped!!!

No. Stop it. The cancer ribbon usually gets a snicker out of me, these don't even get that. Congratulations assholes, you've found something less funny than cancer.

a wise girl kisses but never loves- listens but doesnt believe- and leaves before she is left
Not many people know it but this quote comes from an old self-help book called How To Guarantee All Your Relationships Will Fail So You Can Perpetually Feel Sorry Yourself.

stay close enough to have fun YET far enough not to get hurt.
Translation: I'm a total slut.

My tears erased “I love you” from the blackboard of my heart
On the long list of things that girls can't live without, I think bad metaphors fall somewhere between candy and way more attention than they deserve. That's fine, I've got one for them: My truck plowed her street 'til it scraped the asphalt. Oh wait, I forget to use tons of needless markup, a harassing neon font, and the L-word. Here it is again in a way that girls will appreciate: *~ my LOVE truck plowed her STREET 'til it scraped the ASPHALT ~*

Man, that really is a beautifully written line. I fucking love poetry.

What is meant to be will be. . .
This one is particularly insidious because it's basically an excuse to suck at life. Boyfriend cheated on you? Got fired from your job? Gained 25 pounds? Don't worry, it's not your fault; it's just fate. There's just one little problem with this philosophy: IT'S TOTAL BULLSHIT. Things happen because people cause them to happen. It's like Kyle Reese said in The Terminator: "There is no fate but what we make."

Dance like no one's looking. Sing like no one's listening. Love like you've never been hurt.
This is great advice if your goal is to look like a complete fucking idiot. If you want to blunder your way through life with a childlike naiveté, I won't stop you. But don't come crying to me when you fail.

if you're gonna go greek, why not be a goddess?
Hey if you're gonna suck one dick, why not suck fifty? Telling people that you're a sorority girl is like telling people that you're a massage therapist; they assume you're a whore. The difference is that Delta Zeta girls don't actually get paid to sleep with guys they just met.

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. - Winnie The Pooh
Fuck you, you selfish bitch. If you really loved me, you'd want me to die first so that I never had to live without you. And if you knew a single goddamn thing about statistics, you'd know that women have a higher life expectancy than men anyway. You know what that means? It means your hopes and dreams are stupid and improbable. Go to hell.

"save a horse - ride a cowboy!"
Now that's just fucking gross.

That's it, I can't go on anymore. I have come to a rather unsurprising conclusion: I really, really hate girls. Unfortunately they still have some body parts I like, so I'll have to act like I don't think they're total cunts if I want to gain access to those parts. Or maybe I can build some sort of sex robot, one incapable of using AIM. Hey, it worked in that movie.

1,155,950 guys put up with shit like this because they want to get laid.

haddox@sydlexia.com

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© 2006 by Haddox