Ha ha, just kidding. Why the fuck would anyone hate me? There are plenty of people more deserving of your hatred than me, like Barbara Walters. That bitch can't even talk properly while I am as lovable and cuddly as this stuffed bunny:
I bet you're probably wondering why the fuck I have a gay little stuffed rabbit. Normally I'd tell you that it's none of your goddamn business but since it's actually a pretty funny story, I'll share it. Like most pirates, I like to down an entire bottle of rum every morning. It helps me focus on my writing and it allows me to sleep through those boring afternoon hours when there's nothing on besides Montel Williams. On the rare occasion that I don't pass out, I'll usually head out to a local gentlemen's club and berate the strippers until they cry. Well one day when I was on my way to my favorite club, Champagne Sunset, I ran over a little girl who lived two houses down from me. I was piss drunk at the time, so I figured I was fucked. Luckily for me, the cops forgot to give me a breath test. Since there was no hard evidence that I was drunk at the time of the accident, my lawyer was able to reach a deal with the judge. I pled no contest to vehicular manslaughter and received two years probation. I was pretty psyched. The best part was that everyone knew I was guilty as fuck and there was nothing they could do about it. It brings a smile to my face every time I think about how things turned out.
Needless to say, the little girl's parents were crushed. So every couple months, they mail me one of her toys to try and make me feel bad. As a result, I now have a quite sizable stuffed animal collection. I usually return the favor by sending them anonymous letters that say HA HA, YOUR DAUGHER IS DEAD. I know that seems pretty horrible, but in my defense, she was a pretty fucking annoying little girl.
Oh, and by the way:
0 cowards have sent me hate mail.
Back to how much I rule...