How to ensure you get shitty service at a supermarket deli.

How to ensure you get shitty service at a supermarket deli.

Have you ever gotten shitty service at a supermarket deli and wondered if it was your fault? Well, it probably was. If you do even one of the nine things listed below, you will almost certainly get terrible service. Want better fucking service? Then don't make any of the following mistakes:

1. Never speak unless spoken to.
I don't care if the deli clerk has his or her back to you. I don't care if you've been waiting for two minutes. Don't you DARE say a goddamn thing to the clerk until he or she addresses you first. This is especially true if you've just walked up to the counter. If you think that making eye contact with the clerk gives you the right to start spouting off your order without so much as a "hi there" in front of it, then congratulations, you're a douchebag, and you've just fucked yourself in the ass. Hope you don't have any health problems, because if you order any of the special low sodium products, you're sure as hell not actually getting them.

2. Get the fuck off your cell phone.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? If you walk up to a service counter while talking on your cell phone, don't be surprised if all the deli clerks suddenly disappear into the backroom or find any number of other things to do that don't involve waiting on your worthless ass. If you do manage to get a clerk to wait on you, be forewarned that you have automatically forfeit many basic elements of deli service. Oh, your kid wanted to try a slice of cheese? Sorry, didn't want to interrupt your phone call. Oh, you didn't want your turkey sliced a quarter inch thick? Sorry, didn't want to interrupt your phone call, so I had to guess. My bad!

3. Don't lean on the fucking case.
Hey, someone has to wash that glass, assholes. There is absolutely no reason why you or your children should be putting your greasy ethnic hands on the display case. If you need something to lean on, then buy a cane, you fucking gimp. If you press your hands against the glass case, the clerk is most likely going to press down on your American cheese so that it sticks together. Fuck you.

4. If you're the only person there, don't take a goddamn ticket.
What the hell? Are you afraid that if you don't take a number, someone else is going come out of nowhere, shove you out of the way, and scream "ME FIRST"? Do you think the deli clerks are fucking stupid? Do you think they didn't fucking see you? Do you think really think if another customer shows up, that person is honestly going to start a fight over who gets to go first? No, they're not. But since you think so poorly of everyone else, you're going to get poor service. You asked for the bologna that's on sale, but it's going to "accidentally" get weighed as the premium bologna. So sorry!

5. "Why aren't you guys calling numbers?"
Um, because there's three of you and two deli clerks, and it's completely fucking unnecessary? When the clerks feel they need to use the number system, they will. They are paid professionals; it is not your place to fucking question their professional judgment. Also, don't you fucking remember Rule #1? Shut up, cunt.

6. Don't wander off.
You missed your number? Well, the clerk only yelled it three times. You fucking deaf or something? If you somehow manage to weasel your way into getting waited on by the next available deli clerk, expect any and all of the previously mentioned mishaps to occur with your order.

7. Don't list your whole order at once.
Here's how the deli works: you tell the deli clerk one of the things you want, how much of it you want, and how you want it cut. The deli clerk shows you the first slice, and if it's cut to your liking, they proceed to cut the full amount of product, wrap it up, and hand it to you. Then, if you want another item, the process repeats itself. Do NOT rattle off your whole order at once, because no one fucking cares. The deli clerk can only cut one thing at once, thus they are only obligated to remember one thing at once. Even if they do remember your entire order, they're going to pretend they don't and ask you if you need anything else after every item, because you're a complete shit stain for listing it all at once. If you want the clerk to cut twenty items for you while you wander off to the bathroom to finger your dry, post-menopausal vagina, then write a list down. On paper. Otherwise, fucking die.

8. Don't send a boy to do a man's job.
Do you think it's cute to have your seven-year-old kid order for you? Well, it's not. Deli clerks may have a shitty job where they have to wait on ignorant shitheads like you, but that doesn't mean they don't have some modicum of pride and dignity. They do, and making them take fucking orders from a fucking child is a giant fucking insult. If you send your son up to the counter to order while you look at pasta sauce over across the way, I can guarantee you that he's not getting offered any samples. I also guarantee you that your order will be fucked up. Hey it's not the clerk's fault; I guess your gay little kid didn't remember what you told them to say. Shoulda ordered it yourself, bitch.

9. Don't show up an hour before closing.
At most supermarkets, the posted deli closing time is the time that the clerks are supposed to leave. So if the sign says the deli closes at 10:00 PM and you show up at 9:30 PM, then you are a major inconvenience to the clerks. They are in the process of cleaning all their slicing equipment, and they want absolutely nothing to do with you. If you don't take the hint from their glares and combative tones that they don't want to wait on you, prepare to get awful service. You wanted Dietz & Watson roast beef? Well, you're getting Dietz & Whatever-The-Fuck-Is-Nearby roast beef instead. And really, why do you need roast beef at 9:30 at night? Is this your fucking dinner? Go to Burger King, asshole. Making a sandwich for lunch tomorrow? Well, you should have come in earlier. Work 12-9 everyday? Then buy your goddamn shit in the fucking morning. There is absolutely no valid reason why you should be ordering lunch meats after 7:00 PM. And if you disagree, you ought to be tied to the bumper of a pickup truck and dragged to death.

That's pretty much it. If you avoid these nine simple mistakes, then you have every right to expect quality deli service. If you manage to get poor deli service despite following these rules, then the deli clerk who waited on you sucks; repeatedly complain to corporate until he or she is fired.

1,042,540 people just found out why their olive loaf always tastes like spit.

haddox@sydlexia.com

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