How to play guitar like a complete fucking douchebag.

Step 1 - Be John Mayer.
Step 2 - Wake up every morning.
Step 3 - Pick up a guitar and play it.

Seriously, did anyone fucking see John Mayer's performance at Michael Jackson's public memorial service? It was fucking embarrassing. In case you missed it, Mayer played lead guitar on an instrumental version of MJ's "Human Nature", and while doing so, he decided to act like a complete fucking asshat. You'd think that Mayer would have known better. As one of the few white celebrities invited to partake in the memorial service, he was a racial ambassador of sorts. Mayer wasn't just there on his own behalf, he was there as a proxy for all white people. And that fucking cocksucker made us all look like assholes. Mayer spent his entire performance with his eyes shut and his face contorted into goofy expressions, as he pretended to coax the notes from his guitar. In his mind, Mayer probably thought he was paying homage to the soulful bluesmen of yesteryear. But to the people watching, he came off as a pretentious, insincere shithead.

Mr. Mayer, sir, you are thirty-something suburbanite brat who looks like he's about fifteen years old. Your guitar skills are, at best, mediocre and you have absolutely no legitimate claim to the blues. Your performance was tepid, fake, self-indulgent, and completely fucking pathetic. You verily detracted from an otherwise beautiful and emotional memorial, shaming not only yourself, but all white people everywhere. John, you are a worthless asshole. If there was any justice in this world, Michael Jackson would still be alive and YOU would be long fucking dead. And let me tell you something, Johnny: your funeral couldn't fill a Chuck E. Cheese's, much less the fucking Staples Center. If you disagree, then please fucking kill yourself; it's the only way to prove me wrong.

See John Mayer playing "Human Nature" like an asshole in its entirety here.

1,216,055 people just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you have to rise above.

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© 2009 by Haddox