I am the best songwriter in the entire world.

Sometimes I'll hear some shitty song on the radio and I think to myself, hey, I could write better fucking lyrics than this tripe. So I do. And as you've probably guessed my lyrics are always 832% better than the original ones. My lyrics are so good that if you were to hear them put to music, your brain would melt from the sheer awesomeness. To prove this point, I've decided to give you a taste of my brilliantly rewritten versions of popular songs. I'm going to start with an old standard, "Take Me Out To The Ballgame". Here are some of the lyrics from the original version:

Buy me some peanuts and Crackerjack
I don't care if I ever get back

First of all, don't ever take me out to the ballgame. Second of all, I care very much when I get back, because it's not gonna be soon enough. I love baseball, but why the fuck would I want to pay $80 to sit around in a hot oversold ballpark for 4 hours drinking $6 beers when I could be watching the game in my nice air-conditioned living room on a big screen TV drinking a value pack of Sam Adams. Hell, I get a better view of the game on the TV, as well as expert commentary. From this point onward, I decree that the lyric will be changed to this:

Buy me some peanuts and Crackerjack
I don't care if the players are black

My lyrics are way better because they promote racial tolerance and help you pick out rednecks in a crowd. If 50,000 baseball fans at Shea Stadium were all singing my version of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" and some guy wasn't singing along, you could kick the living shit out of his worthless inbred buck-toothed nigger-hating ass. I could declare victory right here, but since I'm feeling charitable, I'll improve one more song for you. That song is "White Flag" by Dido. In this song, she tried to win back an ex-boyfriend with the following nonsense:

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I'm sure that's considered beautiful in some circles, but it's not gonna win Dido her lover back, unless her lover is a chick; guys aren't interested in boring extended metaphors. No, if Dido really wanted to impress a guy, she'd sing something like this:

I will go down on your dick
And I will use both hands cuz it's a big one
There'll be a big white stain above my chin
I give head and always will now

Now THAT'S the type of stuff a chick should be singing about if she wants men to give her a second look. Seriously, when are broads like Tori Amos and Dido going to learn that no one wants to hear their shitty third level grade poetry put to music? The only thing womenfolk should sing about is whether or not they'll take it up the ass. Wait a tick, isn't that what the Pussycat Dolls do? And don't they suck even more? They do. I changed my mind; girls shouldn't be allowed to sing at all.

1,279,741 people wish I had picked a Fall Out Boy song.


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© 2007 by Haddox