I was reading the paper this morning and I saw the news. My jaw dropped and my heart skipped a beat. I reread it over and over again, each time hoping that I had read it wrong. Unfortunately, I hadn't; Larry Bird's Johnson is dead. This saddens me greatly. As a Boston native, I greatly respect Larry Bird and his impressive career with the Celtics. He is one of the greatest fucking basketball players of all-time and it's depressing to think that he doesn't have a cock anymore. Let us pray that Larry managed to spawn another basketball great while his penis still worked. If he didn't, then everything is lost.

Larry Bird's Johnson: December 12, 1956 - July 11, 2007. Rest in peace, you dick.