Learn to fucking speak.

As you all know, I'm a fucking pirate. I do all sorts of pirate stuff such as raping, pillaging, drinking, and stamp collecting. But when I'm not busy collecting badass stamps, I'm off sailing the high seas picking fights with sharks and dolphins. Since I spend so much time out on the water, I happen to know a thing or two about aquatic life. Because of that, it really fucking offends me off when people order seafood and mispronounce something. Below is a helpful guide for all you stupid sacks of shit who love seafood but don't actually know a goddamn thing about it. If you don't memorize these rules, your pancreas might end up decorating my car antenna.

1. Shrimps
There is no such thing as shrimps. You cannot get six shrimps, nor can you get a pound of shrimps. No matter how many of them you fucking have, it's just shrimp. If you successfully graduated from kindergarten, you may recall that the plural form of fish is also fish. Well, shrimp is the same way. Here's a rhyme to help you remember:

One shrimp, two shrimp. Don't be a gimp.

2. Scallops
This one bugs me more than anything else. Scallops is pronounced skawl-ups. It is NOT pronounced skal-ips. For an example of scallops being horribly mispronounced, refer to the movie The Wedding Crashers. The skal-ips pronunciation originates in the southern part of the United States where ignorance is king and inbred bucktoothed hicks butcher words on a regular basis. People who say scallops incorrectly should be raped, shot, and then raped again.

3. Fillet
This one is a no-brainer but I still hear people say it wrong. Fillet is pronounced fil-lay, not fill-it. Every single goddamn McDonald's employee knows how to say it properly even though they can't spell it. It's French, hence the soft T. Is that so fucking hard to grasp?

4. Tilapia
Tilapia is a fish that's currently gaining popularity among the elderly because it's cheap and old people are poor. Unfortunately, old people are also lazy and senile, and very few of them even TRY to pronounce tilapia correctly. I have heard everything from ta-loopa to teely-peely to teh-labia. If any of these pricks were to take the five seconds required to actually look at the word and the letters in it, they might notice that NONE OF THOSE PRONUNCIATIONS ARE EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE. It's till-app-ee-yuh, you cunts.

5. Tentacles
Tentacles are extremities found on squid and octopi that are used for grasping, feeling, and locomotion. They are NOT legs. Although the squid uses them to move, tentacles are not ambulatory. Referring to tentacles as legs is a telltale sign of illiteracy because all establishments that sell squid tentacles have them clearly marked as such.

6. Calamari
Calamari is squid that has been prepared for consumption. If you are buying raw squid at the supermarket, then you are buying squid to make calamari. If you ask for calamari, you are using the term incorrectly. You're also not fucking impressing anyone. Wow, you know one word in Italian, big goddamn deal.

Clarification for complete retards: We Love Calamari is not that PS2 game you've been wanting.

7. Chowder
There's only one worthwhile type of chowder, and that's New England clam chowder. If you actually like corn chowder or that pretentious Manhattan shit with the tomato juice in it, get the fuck off of my website. Since New England is the home of the One True Chowder, you should pronounce chowder the way that Bostonians do: chow-dah. Normally I hate regional accents but since those people basically invented chowder, it's only fair that we accept their pronunciation as canon.

I'm done. I hope you learned something. If you didn't, die.

1,058,240 people just learned they were saying scallops incorrectly.

haddox@sydlexia.com

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© 2006 by Haddox