My plan to save America.

You know what sucks? America. Every day, our economy is getting worse. There are three big reasons for this. First of all, there's old people. Old people don't contribute anything to society but they collect billions of dollars in Social Security every year. This wasn't a big problem when people retired at age 65 and died at 80 but thanks to huge advances in medical science, people are retiring at 65 and living to be 90 or 100. This is putting a huge fucking financial strain on the country. Then there's illegal immigrants. Illegal aliens come over here and take jobs at uncompetitive wages because they have no money. No only are they taking jobs away from legal citizens, they're also helping employers to keep wages lower than they should be. And those are just the ones that DON'T get caught. The illegal immigrants that get busted are sent to jail or their home countries at the expense of the American taxpayer. Finally, there's single mothers. Impoverished, uneducated young women are having babies left and right because they're either too stupid or too lazy to make their boyfriends wear condoms. Since they can't afford to raise children, the U.S. government steps in and gives them fucking welfare. If we don't put a stop to these problems soon, America will continue to spiral into deficit until the economy finally implodes. Something must be done.

Fortunately, I have a solution. I have designed a machine that turns elderly people, illegal aliens, and babies born out of wedlock into gold bars. I built a prototype of the device out of a woodchipper and the tests are going well so far. It's still pretty much just a regular woodchipper and I haven't succeeded in making anything other than a big mess, but every person I throw into it is one less strain on the American economy. Besides, Mexicans make the most hilarious sounds when they're being shredded alive.

818,082 people wish they had a woodchipper.

Back to how much I rule...

2006 by Haddox