Every new show on NBC sucks.

It's no big secret that NBC's ratings are in the toilet; last year's Jay Leno Show debacle cost them hugely. After they canceled Leno's 10 PM show, NBC suddenly found themselves with five one-hour timeslots to fill in their weekly primetime schedule for Fall 2010. Initially, it was heavily rumored that the ever-struggling drama Heroes would return yet again and that the original Law & Order would get a record-breaking 21st season. Understandably, Heroes was not renewed for a fifth season. More surprisingly, Law & Order was also fucking shelved. The reason given for Law & Order's demise was that NBC executives were so excited by the test pilots for the new shows that they simply couldn't find any fucking room for Law & Order. Fair enough, I suppose. No wait, it's not. All of NBC's new shows are pure garbage. Let's take a look...

The show: The Event

Airs on: Mondays
What it's about: Even if the show manages to last a whole season, you still won't know.
Why it sucks: A commercial describes this gimmicky piece of shit as "24 meets LOST". Seriously, they really said that. You know, because comparing your show to two of the most successful shows of the last decade is a great fucking marketing idea. You know what the last show to hype itself up like that was? Flash Forward, and it failed pretty epically. Let me tell you how The Event is going to end, SPOILER ALERT, with it getting canceled long before you ever find out what "the event" is.

The show: Chase

Airs on: Mondays
What it's about: U.S. marshals.
Why it sucks: It's a generic cop show, only with a lot more fucking running.

The show: Undercovers

Airs on: Wednesdays
What it's about: Spies.
Why it sucks: From J.J. Abrams, the guy who brought you Alias, comes a show that's almost exactly like Alias, except now the two main spies are black and married, and the terrorists they're after aren't trying to obtain Renaissance artifacts with magic powers.

The show: Law & Order: Los Angeles

Airs on: Wednesdays
What it's about: Law and/or order, though generally not at the same time.
Why it sucks: Because it's not the original fucking Law & Order. The Law & Order franchise is always at its worst when its "ripped from the headlines" stories target celebrities. A change of venue to Hollywood means we'll likely see even more of those awful fucking adaptations. Also, the cast sucks. Alfred Molina is cool, but everyone else? Fuck 'em.

The show: Outsourced

Airs on: Thursdays
What it's about: An American is sent to run his company's call center in India.
Why it sucks: Yeah, I get it, Indians talk funny, they don't understand American culture, and Bollywood movies are really fucking weird. How many times can you make those same fucking jokes? This is a really thin concept for a show that seems like it would work a lot better as movie. Oh that's right, it's based on a 2006 movie. Television shows based on movies ALWAYS suck. Even Stargate. Especially Stargate.

The show: School Pride

Airs on: Fridays

What it's about: It's just like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, only with schools.
Why it sucks: Only braindead idiots watch so-called "reality television".

The show: Outlaw
Airs on: Fridays

What it's about: A U.S. Supreme Court Justice who quits to start his own law firm.
Why it sucks: First off, it's implausible and fucking moronic. Second off, it stars Jimmy Smits and Jimmy Smits sucks. Aside from NYPD Blue and his guest spot on Dexter, nothing he's done is any good. Sure, he was on the West Wing, but he was on the West Wing when it was really fucking terrible and no one cared anymore.

Great fucking work, NBC! I'm pretty sure only one of these shows will get a second season, and I'm pretty sure it'll be Law & Order: Los Angeles. Let's try and guess which show gets canceled first! My vote goes to Chase.

1,925,395 viewers wish the Law & Order mothership was still on instead of this bullshit.


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