Oliver Reed is the greatest man who ever lived.

Dead.

A few years ago, I was granted the very prestigious title of Greatest Man Alive. This also means that I'm the greatest person alive since women will never surpass men in any regard. I am incredibly honored to have this title but I am rather disappointed at the circumstances under which I received it. I got this award because its previous holder, Oliver Reed died.

Since most of you are lazy ignorant fucktards anyway, I'll spare you the trouble of looking him up. You probably know Oliver Reed better as "that old guy who got sold queer giraffes" in Ridley Scott's Gladiator. But he was so much more than that. He was a hard-drinking, tough-talking motherfucker who was more interesting in getting into bar fights than he was in furthering his acting career. At one point, he was heavily considered to replace Sean Connery as James Bond but his inability to keep his reckless personal life under wraps derailed his chances at playing the charming, sophisticated secret agent. Most people would be pissed off if they blew their shot at such a profitable recurring role but Reed didn't care one fucking bit, probably because he knew he could beat the shit out of James Bond. Reed was a hellraiser to the end and his death was one of his crowning achievements. Oliver Reed died of a heart attack in Maltese bar on May 2,1999 after beating five Royal Navy sailors at arm-wrestling. Not only were the sailors MUCH younger than him, but Reed was also piss drunk at the time. During his final bar trip, the 61-year-old actor consumed three bottles of Captain Morgan Jamaica Rum, eight bottles of German beer, and several doubles of Famous Grouse whiskey. The bar tab came to 270 Maltese lira, almost $725 in real currency. And if there is still any doubt in your mind that Oliver Reed was the coolest SOB who ever lived, consider this: the scenario described above took place while he was on a LUNCH BREAK from filming Gladiator. Here are some other Reed facts:

• He puked on Steve McQueen.

• He died before completing his Gladiator scenes. Ridley Scott had to spend three million dollars to digitally recreate Oliver Reed's face for the incomplete scenes, putting the movie three million dollars over budget.

• He was stabbed in the throat while filming a swordfight for 1973's The Three Musketeers. This would kill most normal people.

• He turned down the role of Quint in Jaws because Jaws was boring and gay.

Awesome, right? And here are some quotes from the man himself:

"I believe that my woman shouldn't work outside the home. When I come home and I'm tired from filming all day, I expect her to be there and make sure that everything is cool for me. You know, like drawing my bath and helping me into bed. That's the kind of job she had and, in return for it, she can bear my children and if any man talks bad to her, I'll hit him."

"My only regret is that I didn't drink every pub dry and sleep with every woman on the planet."

"Richard Burton was hitting the bottle with (John) Hurt the night before his death. He knew it was going to kill him, but he did not stop. I don't have a drink problem. But if that was the case and doctors told me I would have to stop, I'd like to think I would be brave enough to drink myself into the grave."

"American men like their women to have these special teeth and be perfectly coiffured and have amazing breasts. Have you seen an Italian mama with those kind of teeth, that kind of hair and that kind of waist? They're not like that. They're in the kitchen cooking for their families - doing what they should do."

The bottom line here is that Oliver Reed was the baddest bad ass who ever assed. If you think you're pretty tough yourself, you're wrong. You are a fucking pussy. If you were really cool, you'd be dead by now. Real badasses drink themselves to death: Oliver Reed, Bon Scott, John Bonham, the list goes on forever. The only exception to this rule is me. I cannot be killed by the copious amounts of alcohol that I consume because I am The One True Pirate King; it is my birthright. And although I can never have the glorious honor of an alcohol-related death, I fully encourage the rest of you to pursue this end. Life is only valuable so long as there are those who waste it.

965,626 men will never be half as manly as Oliver Reed.

haddox@sydlexia.com

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© 2006 by Haddox