Run out of ideas for contrived porn sites? Steal one of mine.

In this futuristic dystopia in which we live, there are only two types of pornography: traditional porn and internet porn. Traditional porn features fancy lighting, cheesy music, guys who spend too much time at the gym, and chicks who spend too much time at the plastic surgeon. Traditional porn is pretty fucking awful. There's usually one or two good scenes in a typical porno flick followed by three or four boring ones. Mainstream porno directors are also under the sad delusion that they are making "art" so they also force you to endure 15-30 minutes of whatever trite storyline they manage to piece together. The plots are rarely interesting and they usually have abrupt endings that border on nonsensical. After you've watched enough mainstream porn, you start to get sick of it. Your favorite actresses end up getting too many tattoos, too many piercings, and too many bad dye jobs. So then you turn to amateur porn because it's more visceral. Or you try to.

Once high speed connections became a staple of the internet, some asshat realized he could make shitloads of money by producing faux amateur porn. So he came up with a site based on the premise that he ran phony modeling agency ads in the newspaper and then when an unsuspecting girl showed up at his apartment to audition, he'd convince her to undress and eventually talk her into having sex with him. In order to make the illusion seem real, he hired unknown and aspiring adult actresses and shot them with no music, bad lighting, and POV camera angles. And people loved it. When Net Video Girls, Bang Bus, and MILF Hunter were the only sites using this ploy, it was almost plausible to believe that these douchebags really were just finding random women on the street and talking them into fucking on camera. But now there are dozens of sites pulling this shit and you have the same actresses on every goddamn site. A girl who shows up on Cum Fiesta is on 8th Street Latinas the next week, then a few months later she's in mainstream adult films. And now there are sites like Naughty Therapy and American Daydreams that are obviously contrived but use POV camera angles anyway. And people still fucking love it. Porn is the biggest business on the internet and it just keeps growing. As the electronic porn industry scrambles to come up with new ideas to cash in on, I humbly offer up the following suggestions:

Two guys with a camera find a homeless girl. After talking to her for upwards of two minutes, they are able to convince her to come back to their hotel room and perform sexual favors in exchange for a sandwich. One guy gets blown while his friend films it and you're left to wonder what kind of fag would want to stand there and watch some chick suck off his friend. Even though the site is called BlownForASandwich, at least half of the encounters will include vaginal and/or anal penetration.

A lot of porn sites seem to be based on ideas stolen right out of "Letters to Penthouse". These sites include: Bookworm Bitches, Backseat Bangers, MILF Hunter, Teens For Cash, Bus Stop Whores, Big Sausage Pizza, Naughty Therapy, Hypno Trick, Naughty Office, My Sister's Hot Friend, Chick Trick, My First Sex Teacher, Backroom Facials, Dirty Latina Maids, Street Blowjobs, Nasty Cops, In The VIP, College Fuckfest, Captain Stabbin, and Deputy Dick. In keeping with that tradition, I offer up Dirty Dental Assistants. I even have a good tagline for the site. Dirty Dental Assistants: You Spit, They Swallow! Damn I'm good. The girls wouldn't actually swallow though, because that would deprive the viewer of the money shot.

Teabagging is when you stick your balls in someone's mouth while they're asleep. It's technically a form of rape, but it's also hilarious. Every episode of Teabag Surprise would involve some girl waking up in a strange bed after a college party with some guys balls in her mouth. At first she'd be scared and confused, but then she'd start sucking him off for no apparent reason. In order to preserve that amateur feel of the site, there'd also be some highly contrived outtakes where the girl freaks out and runs away.

Despite being disgusting as hell, there's an apparent niche market for transsexual porn. You've probably never seen any, but you still know how it goes: some guy picks up a girl, they start making out, there's some brief foreplay, and then guy discovers the chick is really a dude. After some light protest, the guy fucks him/her/it anyway. So I was thinking, why not reverse the scenario? How about a situation where a guy meets another guy at a gay bar and then it turns out that one of the guys is really a chick with small tits and short hair. The gay guy is pissed, but his dick is already hard. Since men are clearly incapable of sticking to their sexual orientation once they have an erection, he fucks her up the ass anyway.

Girl is pregnant. Girl needs an abortion. Girl can't afford an abortion. Girl bangs doctor in exchange for a free abortion. Instant classic.

Finally, a barely legal site that's not afraid to say what it is: almost pedophilia. Watch underdeveloped 18 year olds dress and act like 14 year olds. Watch as they are seduced by cheerleading coaches, stepfathers, stepbrothers, cousins, teachers, and that weird guy down the street. It's hot! It's sexy! IT'S ALMOST PEDOPHILIA!

If you use one of these ideas, you better send me some damn money. Everyone will know you ripped me off anyway, so you might as well as pay me; it's the manly thing to do. If you don't, I'll come to your fucking house and teabag you while your mom watches. As soon as you wake up and start to realize what's going on, I'll rip your lungs out with my bare hands so that your last memory will be my balls in your mouth. I'm a pirate, it's what I do.

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© 2006 by Haddox