Serving sizes are bullshit.

You know what I fucking hate? Everything. I hate everything in the entire world except for pirates and pirate paraphernalia. But right now, I specifically hate the nutrition facts that companies put on the side of their containers. It's nice to know what shit is in whatever you happen to be eating, but corporations still find ways to bullshit you. For example, a 20 oz. bottle of Coca-Cola says that is has 100 calories in it. That doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, the bottle actually has 100 calories per serving and Coke has decided that a 20 oz. bottle contains two and a half 8 oz. servings. What a fucking load of crap. A 20 oz. bottle of soda is one goddamn serving. You know how I know? Because when I buy one, it's fucking gone within 10 minutes. By saying 8 oz. is the suggested serving size, Coke is able to distract you from the fact that a 20 oz. bottle of one of their products contains 67.5 grams of sugar, almost 25% of your daily allotment. Unfortunately, they're not the only ones.

While 8 oz. is an acceptable serving for Coca-Cola, the serving size for an 8 oz. box of Fig Newtons is 2 cookies. That's right: TWO FUCKING COOKIES. Again, this makes the food look healthier than it is. If you're too stupid or too lazy to do the math, this little box contains 770 calories, roughly 38.5% of your recommended daily intake. And it gets worse.

When I was kid, Chef Boyardee was my lunch of choice during school vacations. Like most growing boys, one little 15 oz. can of Beefaroni could barely satisfy my manly appetite. However, Chef Boyardee has decided that each of his canned pasta products is two servings. The reason for this is that the Chef's products contain an ungodly amount of sodium. The can of Cheesy Burger Ravioli shown about contains 106% of a healthy daily sodium intake. Most Chef Boyardee products contain closer to 90% of your daily sodium, but that's still pretty terrible. So now you know why I'm so fucking angry all the time; it's because I have ridiculously high blood pressure.

Let's recap: the U.S. Food & Drug Administration wants Americans to know what's in the food they're eating so it makes companies publish nutritional information on the packaging. Corporations comply, but they invent arbitrary serving sizes that make their food look healthier than it really is. This pisses me off for two reasons. First of all, I don't like being lied to. Secondly, it's a rather pointless deception. Most people don't fucking care if their food is healthy as long as it takes good.

1,101,369 servings per container.

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© 2006 by Haddox