Suck my dick.

The other day I was at the park punching little boys in the scrotum and thinking about how fucking awesome I am. Then I started thinking about how I contribute so very much to the world, yet ask for nothing in return. It was at that point that I realized maybe it's time for me to take something in return. So I will. I am proud to announce that I am going to give you all the opportunity to compete for the privilege of sucking my dick. Here are the rules:

1. Absolutely no guys
I firmly believe that homosexuals are useful members of society who have much to teach us about life and love. However, I'm still not letting any of you fucking fags give me head. Sorry.

2. Absolutely no guys
I fucking mean it. Get outta here, queerbait.

3. You must have long hair
If I'm gracious enough to let you suck my cock, it kinda goes without saying that you're going to take a facial. And you know what my favorite part of the facial is? It's when some of my cum gets in your long beautiful hair and then I kick you out of my place without letting you shower so that everyone knows what you were doing.

4. You must speak and understand English
This one is important for a couple of reasons. First, you need to be able to take direction. If I order you to lick my balls and you just stare at me blankly, I'll have no choice but to punch you in the face. Secondly, I like to discuss current events when I'm getting blown. So not only do you need to be able to speak English, you need to be able to speak it with my dick in your mouth.

5. You must be fertile
If you do a good enough job, I may decide to give you the honor of bearing my child. If you are unable to accept this honor because your womb is polluted, you will dishonor your family and bring down my wrath upon you. I will rip out your ovaries and feed them to your surviving relatives. This criterion also helps me screen for trannies.

6. No tattoos
Some girls suck so much dick that their mouths are pratically sheaths. Fuck that. If I wanted some gutter slut to blow me, I'd go down to the gutter myself and find one. There is no truly reliable way to screen for gutter sluts except that they all have tattoos. I am aware that there are plenty of less promiscuous girls who have tattoos, but too fucking bad. If you wanted REAL men to like you, maybe you shouldn't have got that idiotic butterfly tattoo on the back of your neck or that Tinkerbell one on your ankle.

7. You must have all of your teeth
I will NOT associate myself with victims of abuse or women with bad dental hygiene.

8. You must submit your resume
Before I let you suck me off, I'd like to know a little about you. What clubs were you in high school? Where have you worked? Where do you see yourself in five years? See, if I already know your background, then you can't try and make meaningless small talk with me while you're wiping my jizz off of your face.

Those are the rules. I will not require you to submit a picture, but please note that your chances of winning are greatly increased by doing so. All entries should be sent to If you win, you must pay all costs associated with getting yourself to and from my dick. If you are unable do so, please do not enter. Thank you.

886,317 chicks want to blow me.

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© 2006 by Haddox