I love girls. Unless of course, the girl lets it slip that she's under 18 years of age. In that case, I am legally obligated not to pump her full of my glorious semen. Also, I don't love fat chicks. Oh, or ugly chicks. But I absolutely love girls who are thin, pretty, and willing to lie to me about their age. I love everything about pretty girls: their curves, their hair, their smell, their warm inviting holes, even their skin. And when genetics or a highly skilled team of plastic surgeons give a girl a perfect body, I hate to see her desecrate it. Girls do all sorts of stupid shit to their bodies. And while fake tans and too many piercings piss me off just as much, this rant is dedicated to tattoos. Tattoos are a badass form of personal expression if you're some fat biker guy or some wannabe rockstar, but when you're a chick with killer tits, the last thing you should do is put a big ugly tattoo on those tits. I don't believe the female form should be tampered with at all, but there are five places in particular where a girl should NEVER get a tattoo:
1.
Back of the neck
2.
Ankle
3.
One or both breasts
4.
The lower back
And that's when you decide to lose her number and change the locks.
5.
Ass cheek
There's only two tattoos that you can get on the back of your neck: a butterfly or a gay ass Japanese kanji symbol. Why the hell would you want a tattoo on the back of your neck anyway? There's only two ways that people will ever see you neck tattoo. One is if you have a dyke haircut, the other is if you have your hair up for a formal occasion. And when you're at a fancy ass wedding in a $300 bridesmaid dress, the last you want is a visible tattoo. The only thing that I want to see on the back of a girl's head is a handle. That way, I can force her to deepthroat when she's sucking me off. That, or maybe an on/off switch like Vicki on Small Wonder.
As far as I can tell, the only reason that a girl decides to get a tattoo on her ankle is so she can say that she has a tattoo. An ankle tattoo is usually small and pointless, much like the female ankle itself. No one is going to look at your goddamn ankle, especially if you're wearing those knee-high boots that I like so much. No one is going to fucking notice it unless you specifically point it out. And once you do, no one is going to care. Congratulations, you just wasted $50, you stupid whore.
Woman is a highly flawed being. Some of these flaws include menstruation, menopause, and extremely painful childbirth. However, God did get one thing right when he created women: breasts. Breasts are perfect. Big breasts, small breasts, fake breasts, it doesn't matter. Those round balls of fatty tissue are an exemplar of beauty. DON'T FUCK WITH THEM.
Don't get me wrong, lower back tattoos can be kinda hot. However, I can't respect a girl with a lower back tattoo. I'd fuck her a few times, buy her a couple of dinners, and probably even return some of her calls. But that's as far as it would go. You don't enter into a serious relationship with a girl with a lower back tattoo. You can't. After you've banged her on every surface in your apartment, you begin to realize that she's still going to have that tattoo when she's 40. If you don't end the relationship soon, someday she's going to be taking your kids to the beach in a two-piece bikini and sooner or later, your kids are going to see that tattoo and they'll start to suspect that their mommy used to be a complete whore. And they'll be right. And then you'll realize you married a total skank, one with a tattoo that doesn't look anywhere near as hot as it did twenty years ago.
What the fuck is up with ass tattoos? What were you thinking, bitch? Did you think that maybe I needed something interesting to look at when I fuck you doggystyle? Sorry babe, but when we fuck doggystyle, I'm looking at the TV, not your stupid rose tattoo. SportsCenter trumps a girl's ass every goddamn time.
Girls with tattoos are 1,313,610 times more likely to give you an STD than ones without.
© 2006 by Haddox